Green
Hey Folks, this isn't about "rain" or anything, this is just somethign I wrote today and I'd like yous guys' opinions. Be brutally honest. There's no dialogue so you're going to have to envision it, so just tell me what you think. Thanks.
PS. It's a short screenplay, not meant for stage.
"Green"
by Danny Fogarty
Draught No. 1
Opens on Will and Sara sleeping in bed. The alarm clock goes off and Sara wakes up. She hits Will to wake him up and then goes to the closet. Will groggily sits up in bed and rubs his eyes. He gets out of bed and goes towards the bathroom. Just as he’s closing the door Sara rushes to the bathroom holding a change of clothes. She knocks on the door but he doesnt answer. Cut to the inside of the bathroom. Will turns on the shower and drops his shorts. As he cleans himself his sings loudly. Sara continues to bang on the door but he doesn’t hear her. Finally she leaves.
Will finishes showering and turns off the shower. Cut to his wet feet stepping out of the shower. He wraps a towel around his waist and goes to the sink. He is still humming the song to himself as he brushes his teeth. He rinses out his mouth and as he’s doing so accidently knocks the bottle of liquid hand soap on the floor, the contents spilling onto the floor. He wipes his face with a towel and opens the door to the bathroom. Just as he leaves Sara grouchily pushes past him into the bathroom where she immedietly slips on the soap, almost falling to the floor. She turns around and scowls his Will.
He doesn’t notice and goes to the closet to pick out his clothes. He puts on a pair of plain white khakis and a Hawaiin shirt. Just as he’s closing the closet door he sees a brightly colored neck-tie hanging from a hook in the closet. He tries to tie it and fails misserably. He decides that it looks fine the way it is and goes downstairs to eat breakfast.
He pours himself a bowl of dry Froot Loops and sits down at the table. Sara enters the room, now dressed and looking rather conservative. She frowns at his poorly done tie and corrects it for him. She sits down with her own bowl of oat-bran cereal and reads the newspaper. While they eat in silence, Will catches a glimpse of something interesting on the front side of the newspaper that Sara is reading, he cranes his neck to see what it says. Sara sees him awkwardly try to read the paper and reluctantly pulls off the front page and hands it to him. He reads it for a moment and then gets bored. In a book shelf he sees Green Eggs and Ham he pulls it out from the shelf and begins to read it while Sara reads the paper. After a few moments Sara checks her watch and realizes that she’s late. She throws down her paper, grabs the car-keys that were on the table and darts out the door with a brief wave of farewell to Will.
Will finishes reading Green Eggs and Ham and then stand up and stretches. Out of the corner of his eye, through the window he sees a dollar bill on the sidewalk. He grabs a jacket and heads outside. He picks up the dollar and smiles, sticking it in his breast pocket. Will then sets off down the road to a candy store. As soon as he arrives he sees a large CLOSED sign hanging from the door knob of the store.
He turns down another road, disapointed. He finally arrives at a park where he sits on a swing and slowly sways to and fro. As he is sitting and enjoying the weather he sees a posse of skaters ride by and jumping on their skateboards. He gets and idea and heads back home. When he arrives he goes to the basement and looks through piles of boxes for his old skateboard. After a short while he stands up and looks around the room. There, behind him, is the skateboard, hanging on a nail on the door. He turns and sees it and takes it off the door.
Cut to Will standing out in a parking lot on the skateboard trying to jump with it. Some of the other skateboarders in the lot watch him fail miserably as Will smiles in embarassment. After a few tries he finally gives up.
He goes back to his house and sits down on the sidewalk in front it with his skateboard. He kindly waves to a woman passing by who ignores him. After a few moments he lies on his back on the lawn and looks up at the clouds. They slowly pass by through the blue sky. Cut to an aerial view of Will laying on his back, looking up at the sky with his skateboard beside him. Cut to an extreme close-up of his eyes, the reflections of the clouds passing in front of him. We can see in his eyes he is smiling. Cut to POV shot looking up at the clouds again. Slow fade out.
PS. It's a short screenplay, not meant for stage.
"Green"
by Danny Fogarty
Draught No. 1
Opens on Will and Sara sleeping in bed. The alarm clock goes off and Sara wakes up. She hits Will to wake him up and then goes to the closet. Will groggily sits up in bed and rubs his eyes. He gets out of bed and goes towards the bathroom. Just as he’s closing the door Sara rushes to the bathroom holding a change of clothes. She knocks on the door but he doesnt answer. Cut to the inside of the bathroom. Will turns on the shower and drops his shorts. As he cleans himself his sings loudly. Sara continues to bang on the door but he doesn’t hear her. Finally she leaves.
Will finishes showering and turns off the shower. Cut to his wet feet stepping out of the shower. He wraps a towel around his waist and goes to the sink. He is still humming the song to himself as he brushes his teeth. He rinses out his mouth and as he’s doing so accidently knocks the bottle of liquid hand soap on the floor, the contents spilling onto the floor. He wipes his face with a towel and opens the door to the bathroom. Just as he leaves Sara grouchily pushes past him into the bathroom where she immedietly slips on the soap, almost falling to the floor. She turns around and scowls his Will.
He doesn’t notice and goes to the closet to pick out his clothes. He puts on a pair of plain white khakis and a Hawaiin shirt. Just as he’s closing the closet door he sees a brightly colored neck-tie hanging from a hook in the closet. He tries to tie it and fails misserably. He decides that it looks fine the way it is and goes downstairs to eat breakfast.
He pours himself a bowl of dry Froot Loops and sits down at the table. Sara enters the room, now dressed and looking rather conservative. She frowns at his poorly done tie and corrects it for him. She sits down with her own bowl of oat-bran cereal and reads the newspaper. While they eat in silence, Will catches a glimpse of something interesting on the front side of the newspaper that Sara is reading, he cranes his neck to see what it says. Sara sees him awkwardly try to read the paper and reluctantly pulls off the front page and hands it to him. He reads it for a moment and then gets bored. In a book shelf he sees Green Eggs and Ham he pulls it out from the shelf and begins to read it while Sara reads the paper. After a few moments Sara checks her watch and realizes that she’s late. She throws down her paper, grabs the car-keys that were on the table and darts out the door with a brief wave of farewell to Will.
Will finishes reading Green Eggs and Ham and then stand up and stretches. Out of the corner of his eye, through the window he sees a dollar bill on the sidewalk. He grabs a jacket and heads outside. He picks up the dollar and smiles, sticking it in his breast pocket. Will then sets off down the road to a candy store. As soon as he arrives he sees a large CLOSED sign hanging from the door knob of the store.
He turns down another road, disapointed. He finally arrives at a park where he sits on a swing and slowly sways to and fro. As he is sitting and enjoying the weather he sees a posse of skaters ride by and jumping on their skateboards. He gets and idea and heads back home. When he arrives he goes to the basement and looks through piles of boxes for his old skateboard. After a short while he stands up and looks around the room. There, behind him, is the skateboard, hanging on a nail on the door. He turns and sees it and takes it off the door.
Cut to Will standing out in a parking lot on the skateboard trying to jump with it. Some of the other skateboarders in the lot watch him fail miserably as Will smiles in embarassment. After a few tries he finally gives up.
He goes back to his house and sits down on the sidewalk in front it with his skateboard. He kindly waves to a woman passing by who ignores him. After a few moments he lies on his back on the lawn and looks up at the clouds. They slowly pass by through the blue sky. Cut to an aerial view of Will laying on his back, looking up at the sky with his skateboard beside him. Cut to an extreme close-up of his eyes, the reflections of the clouds passing in front of him. We can see in his eyes he is smiling. Cut to POV shot looking up at the clouds again. Slow fade out.
posted by Anonymous at 6:00 PM
5 Comments:
Well, he does go to a park and sit on a swing so I guess it relates... :-)
I think you've given a detailed glimpse at a dynamic character. And entirely through action, which is how characters should be expressed in film or on stage... when someone tells us in the dialogue what kind of person someone is, it sounds contrived. Always show instead of tell. Congrats on that.
I like this guy. Now that I feel like I understand his inner conflict, I'd like to see how he functions when he can't just loll around all day and follow his whims. Like, what happens when he has to go to work... what kind of job does he have? Or, what happens when he has to be serious and responsible (what would he be like at a funeral, I wonder)? Or, what's he like when he's mad? You get the picture.
He reminds me a little of an Adam Sandler character. Not sure which one. I guess they're all sort of similarly stunted in maturity.
I like how you contrast Will with Sara. Now I wonder what are Will's own contrasts? And what are Sara's?
I don't mind if you write dialogue about it.
Maaaaaaybe.
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That's very interesting. It's very diffrent from how I envisioned the character and it's kinda cool to see how you interperated it from just stage direction. And two points for the Spiderman referance.
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